SURGERY FOR DUMMIES

In order to lower the number of deaths and surgical complications – like cutting off the wrong leg – hospital teams from 8 hospitals around the world now go into surgery with a checklist.

Some genius has figured out that the doctors and nurses introducing themselves to one another before the operation will dramatically reduce the number of tragedies and botched jobs.

Apparently when a surgical team knows the names of those they're working with, there are fewer mutilations and lawsuits.

“Hand me the forceps, Fred.”

“I'm Agnes. I know the masks and funny hats can be confusing. Jane here is the gal you want.”

Using a 19-item checklist, the death rate fell enough to encourage the continued use of the idiot-proof list.

My favorite item on the list is that everything in the operating room should be kept sterile. Eureka! What a concept! Cleanliness in a place where you use sharp instruments to cut people open!

Also making the list: All the equipment needed for the operation must be in the operating room. This way, you won't have to go running all over the hospital looking for something while Dr. Carver is slicing and dicing and wondering why he got stuck with such a collection of incompetents.

Here's another key item to consider before an operation. Make sure you know the name of the patient and what he or she is in for. If she's in to have her tonsils taken out, for example, you don't want to remove a kidney.

Although I've not been privy to everything on the checklist, my gut tells me the average operation begins with the doctor making sure everyone is wearing a new pair of Latex gloves. But maybe my gut is overly optimistic.

@#$%&@

PAPER ADMITS TO MISTAKE

For those of you who still read the newspapers – and who can blame you if you don't, given the steady barrage of bad news and the advent of online coverage – you may have noticed a portion of the paper referred to as the "Corrections" section.

Essentially it lists the factual errors that the paper has made on the previous day and asks your forgiveness for their carelessness.

My take on all of their minor lapses (or peccadillos if you happen to be reading the New York Times) would have to be, "who gives a rat's ass?"

First of all, nobody really cares about yesterday's blunders. And you'll notice they never point out their colossal mistakes, just insignificant ones like the following:

"Yesterday, Mr. L.J. Smith's picture was mistakenly reproduced in reverse image. So the watch you saw on his right wrist was actually on his left wrist."

Come to think of it, something was bothering me about that picture, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

But now, thanks to "Corrections," my mind is at ease and I can sidestep the usual tossing and turning generated by such oversights.

@#$%&@

THE CHANGING OF THE SEATS

There's something about a woman's butt that makes it want to change seats when it comes into a restaurant.

I doubt that one woman in a hundred will walk into a restaurant, pick a table, and sit there for an hour or two through all the courses. I don't know what the record for change is, but three times would be a safe bet.

She could be facing south when she wants to face north. It could be too sunny. It might be too dark. Too near the kitchen. It could be too drafty. Too near a crying baby. Or a wheezing, coughing old man. Somebody could be staring, sneezing, yawning, or laughing too loud. Maybe she's spotted an old boyfriend that she hopes to avoid.

It could be as simple as the hunter, gatherer thing. The guy (the hunter) is in a restaurant. He spots his prey (the table) and heads in for the kill. The woman, however, has far more on her plate than a place to sit and look at a menu.

She's gathering information, namely where's the perfect place to sit for maximum dining pleasure.

@#$%*@

THE DERAILMENT OF TRAIN SCHEDULES

Train schedules annoy me.

Actually it's not the schedules so much as the ninny pods behind the schedules. Let's say I'm taking a train out of Grand Central Station in New York City where the trip begins.

My imaginary train is scheduled to leave at 5:03 or 6:01 PM. Would it not dawn on the feeblest of minds that this numerical choice makes little sense and is of no practical value?

Why wouldn't it occur to schedulers to have the train leave the station at 5 or 6 o'clock? Just round it off to the nearest hour and be done with it. If you like, I'm open to leaving every half hour.

Train people have got to stop messing with our minds.

And does one person make these scheduling decisions? Or is a small clueless committee formed to figure out the times of our departures and arrivals? In short, how many people does it take to change a schedule?

Once they decide on this, we're all stuck with the arbitrary times that we're supposed to believe is carved in stone. THE 6:01 TO SUNNYBROOK WILL BE ARRIVING AT 7:03! No, it won't! It will get there at 7:10 or 7:20 or whenever it gets there.

Another galling thing about trains you might want to unravel. Why are the schedules changed 3 or 4 times a year? Do the train people have trouble filling their day? Do they find it amusing to waste paper? Why can't we make one sensible schedule and stick with it for five years?

WHAT A WAY TO RUN A RAILROAD may be a tired old chestnut. But it's a chestnut that's hard to poke holes in.

@#$%*@

TOP 10 MISTER THISTLE POSTS FOR 2008

This is not a typical Thistle post in that he is not ranting – he's raving about his pet posts. For the record, it's not easy to pick your favorite children, even when most of them are ill-mannered.

If you think his selections are off the mark, let your thoughts be known. A convincing case might get Thistle to reconsider his choices. But I doubt it.

1. TROUBLING SPEECH PATTERNS – Nov. 21

2. “WAITER, THERE'S A BILL IN MY CHECK.” – Nov. 6

3. CATS DON'T FETCH – Aug. 29

4. ASKING FOR HER HAND – Aug. 24

5. LET'S TERRIFY LITTLE KIDS – July 20

6. NAMING HURRICANES – July 7

7. HOTEL BIBLES – June 17

8. TOP TEN CRIMINALS – June 12

9. WHEN WRITERS WROTE BOOKS – June 4

10. LEAVING FORTUNES TO STRANGERS – May 23

AN ABUNDANCE OF REPLY CARDS

Do the pinheads that put out magazines think we're all so dense we couldn't possibly find a reply card unless there were 5 of them conveniently scattered among the articles?

But card overkill, with its implications of lamebrain simplicity, is not the only problem. I am emotionally unable to read a magazine without first ripping out all the cards.

Sometimes I worry that they'll fall into my lap and rattle my concentration. Other times I'm afraid of reading each card and never getting to the stories.

Naturally, after ripping out these annoying little inserts, I have to get up out of a chair and find a wastebasket to dump them into before I can relax and read the crap they've written.

Nobody ever said it was easy being neurotic.

@#$%*@
FORWARD TO ANYONE WHO'S EVER READ A MAGAZINE.

DIETS AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM

I've never understood why so many women are obsessed with dieting.

Even women with great figures are forever seeking that cadaverous, emaciated look so prized among fashion models. Maybe this explains why those bony beauties always look so pissed off – they're dying for a pizza with extra cheese.

I know the obesity problem is rampant today. But dieting isn't the answer, and living on salads is not a lifestyle you can live with for long.

Sure, women can lose 30 pounds in a month on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, or the Atkins Diet. But they can also gain back those 30 pounds the next month.

What about just eating sensibly, taking some long walks, and maybe going to the gym 3 days a week?

Less than a hundred years ago, thin women were considered sickly, undesirable, and poor marriage bets. In those days, famous artists like Rubens only painted well-fed nudes with oodles of flesh.

Back then, if you couldn't force down a slice of pecan pie, a few eclairs, some French pastry, and several brownies before posing -- you could forget about becoming a super model.

@#$%*@
FORWARD THIS TO ANY WOMAN WHO DIETS.