Sunday, March 13, 2011


With revolts erupting in the Middle East, nuclear plant meltdowns, devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, oil spills, forest fires, home-grown terrorist threats, gang rapes of teenagers, and murders taking place in high schools and on our college campuses … it's a swift kick in our core values that Charlie Sheen has become Breaking News.

Sheen is in awe of Marlon Brando's character in “Apocalypse Now” and likes to quote his favorite line from the movie: “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me.” Of course this is a Charlie fave. It supports his lifestyle of engaging in destructive activities and never being called on it.

It's hard to comprehend the worldwide coverage and morbid fascination of Charlie Sheen, formerly known as Carlos Irwin Estevez. It's like watching an 8-car pileup on the highway. You want to look away, but can't. The ugliness is riveting and maybe, just maybe something will blow up and you'll be able to tell people you were there and saw it.

The long-term use of crack cocaine can cause severe mood swings, hostility, flitting from topic-to-topic, irrational irritability, extreme paranoia, and God-like behavior. Ring any bells, Charlie?

As for the constant reminder to his disciples that he has a mind of boggling brilliance, that same belief is also held by Moammar Kaddafi and Gary Busey.

If you have a serious drug problem, you can't cure it with the power of your mind, as Charlie insists he has done with his imposing and dominating thoughts. And if his brain had any juice left at all, he would certainly use it to remove the cigarettes that continually dangle from his lips.

Anyone watching his Ustream webcam videos will be struck by his manic delivery. He twitches, puffs away, bobs ups and down, runs his fingers through hair that looks like it's never been shampooed, all while spewing out chunks of gibberish masquerading as a highly evolved mind.

“They picked a fight with a warlock.” Charlie revels in this phrase about himself. Apparently the real warlocks of Salem have taken umbrage to his faulty claim and worry that Charlie has given them a bad name. Right now in some sinister and undisclosed location a powerful potion is no doubt being brewed to turn him into a warty toad.

The twits that tweet on Twitter have shown up in record numbers to put Charlie in the Guinness Book of Records. This unfortunate encouragement will not be helpful in bringing his drug-gorged brain back down here with the earthlings. BTW, there's a buzz on the street that Charlie's 140-character tweets are written by a ghost writer.

“DUH, WINNING!” Sheen's “winning streak” began a few weeks before graduating from Santa Monica high school when Charlie was kicked out of school for limited attendance and lousy grades.

Making frequent and increasingly disturbing appearances on his home-based Ustream webcam, Charlie did a hatchet job on the other man in “Two and a Half Men.” Jon Cryer, the excellent comic actor who starred in the movie, “Pretty In Pink,” was verbally assaulted on “Sheen's Korner” and branded a turncoat, a traitor, and a troll for not contacting Charlie in his hour of need.

Troubled that he might have gone overboard in his condemnation, Charlie later offered Jon a half-apology, an apol, as he playfully puts it.

My guess is that Jon didn't want to make a public spectacle of himself or add to the already humiliating circus that calls itself Charlie Sheen. Or maybe Jon wasn't comfortable chatting with a gaunt and blathering man who drinks from a bottle labeled “Tiger Blood” and climbs to the roof of an office building to wave a machete at the confused crowd gathered below.

Such conduct might make one wonder if the “high priest Vatican assassin warlock” had become completely unhinged.

They say that the first step toward self-healing is admitting that something is wrong, that your deck might be missing a few cards.

In a tiny cobwebbed corner of my mind, I like Charlie Sheen, find him amusing at times, and don't want to see him buried under the babble and rubble of his own making.

A series of interventions from family members and close friends could be his key to salvation and sanity.

But it's hard to imagine Charlie allowing such an invasive procedure when his brilliance is so dazzling and the rest of us are mere trolls that exist for his scorn and amusement. Charlie is a brain surgeon operating on himself. Which is why the cards in his diminished deck are so heavily stacked against him.

Sorry, Charlie, but the troll you so flagrantly slander and malign is you! You're the dwarfish dolt who should be residing under a bridge.

Your oafish behavior got you fired from the most lucrative job on television. You selfishly risked trashing the careers of other actors. You ruined three marriages and lost custody of children you claim to love. You beat up prostitutes. You menace ex-wives. You refuse therapeutic help, and believe for reasons that can't logically be defended, that you can cure yourself with a mind that is slowly but surely unraveling.

While wearing your silly hats, you defiantly utter nonsense like, “Firing me is the work of infants.” “I was banging seven-gram rocks because that's how I roll.” “Dying is for amateurs.” “I will cut your head off, put it in a box, and send it to your mom.” “The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards and all of 'em look like droopy-eyed armless children.” “I'm tired of pretending I'm not a freaking rock star from Mars.”

Whatever planet you're from must be happy you're not coming back. Face it, Charlie, it's time your tiger's blood had a transfusion.



daylia-d'vora said...

beautifully written and with 100% truth.

an exacting essay on this sick man

thanx, mr thistle, for continuing to stay angry with the world


Bernie Most said...

Well done Mr. Thistle. A sad commentary on where the "public interest" is going these days.
I'm afraid it will only get worse.
I think I'm becoming as pessimistic as you are!