SHUT THE DAMN GATE

I'm begging journalists to stop with the freaking "gate" suffix applied to every sneaky, rotten, contemptible political scandal that reprehensible people have always engaged and delighted in and will never stop no matter what.

News coverage on the Watergate scandal starring Richard M. Nixon in the title role as the brains behind the break-in was a brilliant piece of reporting. And the gate thing, being fresh and new at the time, was fitting and clever.

Unfortunately, that gate spawned a spate of gates. I will enumerate some of them now in order to refresh your memories and make the point.

There was Baftagate, Billygate, Bingogate, Bittergate, Camillagate, Chinagate, Filegate, Grannygate, Hookergate, Iraqgate, Nipplegate, Pizzagate, Skategate, Spygate, Toiletgate, Troopergate, Whitewatergate, Wheatgate, Snipergate -- and Jerseygate, which referred to a Boston Red Sox jersey being buried under a concrete slab at the new Yankee Stadium in order to put a curse on the Yankees.

As a Yankee fan, I only mention Jerseygate to highlight the imbecility, immaturity, and gypsy traits of your average Red Sox fan.

All I'm saying is that it's time to stop leaning on the gate and come up with a new term that's exciting and original.

Journalists who ignore this plea run the risk of my writing a breaking news story on Reportergate.

@#$%*@