MAKING THE MOST OF A WRETCHED EXISTENCE

Far too much time and money is squandered on trying to think positively. And don't ask me if I prefer a glass that's half full or half empty. If you're giving me a glass of something, fill the damn thing up.

Last year the self-help industry spent $11 billion trying to convince people that their miserable lives and destructive outlook could be turned around just by reading their books and thinking happy thoughts.

I think the possibility of that happening is slim.

If anyone is still interested in what's right instead of what's lucrative, the following warning should be mandatory on the cover of every self-help book: Continually harping on positivity could result in deeper depressions and even lower self-esteem.

The way to improve your life is to embrace your shortcomings. Instead of making yourself sick over your imperfections, learn to look on the bright side of failure and incompetence.

When bosses or other authority figures ask you to give 110%, tell them you can maybe scrape up 60% of their illogical request and that's about it. See, already the pressure to make something of yourself, to gain recognition and respect is lifting.

Without the need to constantly prove your worth, life becomes sweeter, simpler, and almost bearable. Here are a few motivational downers to live by--otherwise known as a list of books I have recently published to less than rave reviews:

JUST SAY NO TO SELF-ESTEEM
GETTING YOUR HOPES DOWN
BUSTING YOUR OWN BALLOONS
RAINING ON YOUR OWN PARADE
STEPPING ON ROSE-COLORED GLASSES
THE JOY OF SELLING YOURSELF SHORT

You can look for any of these books in the LIVING WITH DEPRESSION section of your bookstore or library.

Research has been conducted suggesting that high self-esteem is often associated with bullies, criminals, and others with a tendency toward violent behavior. Consider yourself lucky that you have nothing in common with these deviants.

Contrary to opinions held by the vast majority, a toxic atmosphere of cynicism –if applied diligently--can be both healthy and healing.

One last thought to put your life into perspective. Rather than believe that good things are just around the corner, imagine that while you're crossing the street whistling, a large truck is speeding toward you with a drunken driver and no brakes.

@#$%&@