DOWN WITH JOCKSTRAPS

After lengthy consideration, I have decided that the jockstrap or athletic supporter is the oddest-looking contraption ever invented. It's got the pouch, the 2 straps on the side, and the bare tush hanging out blowing in the breeze.

The joker who thought this one up probably had something to do with the hand buzzer and the whoopie cushion.

I'm sure he still chuckles when he sees some jock wearing one.

If it's support for the crown jewels you're after, a snug pair of briefs will do the job and still leave your dignity intact. And briefs, unlike the pouch and straps embarrassment, won't give you "jock itch."

Speaking of questionable clothing apparel, what's the story with jeans for teenagers with the rips and tears in all the key places. I used to feel sorry for these teens --and even older folks who should know better-- until I realized they weren't poor, they were trendy.

What puzzles me is, how do you know when to throw out your jeans?

Let's not forget suspenders. Now there's a fashion statement. Oh sure, Larry King wears them. But that's an image thing and he's stuck with it. Besides, Larry is kind of an odd duck anyway. Some people—I'm guessing the severely insecure ones--even wear suspenders and belts.

Another thing that gets me scratching my head is neckties.

Yeah, I want something tight around my neck in an assortment of designs and colors that practically chokes me. Why have we all bought into this malarkey? Why can't proper business attire be cozy and comfortable?

Ties, my friend, are a cruel and useless appendage. You can't even wipe your mouth on them after dinner.

And don't get me started on tattoos that peak out provocatively from between butt cheeks. Or stretch and droop pathetically upon hitting a certain age.

@#$%*@
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