THE SMOKING SECTION

Call me paranoid, but I think that smokers who cluster in front of buildings are plotting against us non-smokers. Usually they herd together like penguins on an ice floe and speak in whispers. No doubt planning the overthrow of nicotine infidels by whatever means necessary.

I realize it's difficult to be told by your boss to leave the comfort of your workplace and take your filthy, disgusting habit outside – especially in the dead of winter. But you made your bed, my friend, now you must smoke in it.

I am currently working on plans for survival in the age of first, second, and even third-hand smoke. Here's plan number one.

Next time you pass by a group of smokers huddled together outside a building and looking furtive, try to get close enough to hear their plans.

The best approach is to light up a cigarette, making sure not to cough like a rank amateur, and infiltrate their ranks. A miniature recorder, easily hidden inside your coat, jacket or baseball cap, can be purchased at any local spy store.

For your own protection, this message will self-delete two minutes after you read it.

@#$%*@