THOSE MISERABLE HORN BLOWERS

Is the IQ of some turkey who leans on his horn in bumper-to-bumper traffic high enough to be testable?

These offenders know the cars ahead of them can't move. They know that the cars – even the most expensive models – don't come equipped with wings. And deep down they must know that it's not a spiteful act orchestrated on a grand scale to piss them off and ruin their day.

And yet the offenders persist in torturing us with their brainless and incessant honking. Which gives me a good and possibly evil idea. The grating-honking concept need not be confined to America's lesser roads and major highways.

Suppose I were to invent a portable horn that could be attached to your wrist with Velcro and carried with you for life's little emergencies.

Whenever a frustrating situation arises, blast their ears off with my patented new PORTO-HORN. Instantly the rage within subsides while the offenders are left fuming. I'm sure you can come up with dozens of times when this would come in handy. But let me get you started.

Let's say you're standing in a long supermarket line and instead of three people checking out the groceries, there's only one and it's her first day. Whip out your PORTO-HORN and let 'em know you're there!

You've been waiting over an hour in a doctor's office. Then they move you into the smaller "waiting" office and tell you to remove your clothes, the doctor will be with you shortly. But that's bullshit and you're freezing your ass off. Get their damn attention with PORTO-HORN!

With kindness and love in your heart, you hold the door open for some guy with packages and Mr. Oblivious walks through, saying nothing, as though you were his personal doorman. Let's stop being doormats for thoughtless oafs! Now you can rock their world with PORTO-HORN!

And finally, If you find your loving wife in bed with your best friend, do not wait until they finish and are enjoying a cigarette. Spoil their special moment with PORTO-HORN!

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