Friday, November 21, 2008

TROUBLING SPEECH PATTERNS


Nobody expects you to come up with fresh language on a regular basis, and it's fine if you never say anything that people write in their notebooks and save. But don't make a habit of spewing streams of exasperating platitudes.

Here are a few things you might want to consider cutting back on if not eliminating altogether.

It is what it is. Now there's a phrase designed to tell me absolutely nothing and doing a good job of it. I also hate happy campers. I'm hoping they get lost in the woods and never found. I don't ever again want to hear that he's arguably pound-for-pound the best boxer in his weight class.

I'm begging you to stop throwing people under the bus. Please consider pushing them off a cliff, or if you live in New York City, a subway platform. I don't want to hear tell me about it every time your mouth moves. Or do the math whenever you wish to convey the simplicity of something.

You also might want to avoid, know what I mean with every other sentence.

Those who resort to this phrase either believe that the people they're addressing are dimwits. Or they have an extremely low opinion of their own ability to clarify their thoughts.


And try not to sprinkle your conversation with to be perfectly honest (no, I'd rather you continued lying to me). Hey, trust me (if you need to say it, I should be checking my wallet). Don't ask (because I'm unable to explain exactly what happened to me and would rather not waste my time trying).

And when somebody advises you to hit the ground running, tell him you'd rather not risk a hamstring pull. Or you could counter his bromide with your own bromide –"Oh sure, that's a no brainer."

I love it when somebody with no taste in art and not a speck of creativity in his or her entire body says, "I'll know it when I see it."

None of us should be forced to put up with dull speech patterns on a daily basis… if you get my drift.

@#$%*@

FORWARD THIS NOW OR RISK SPEAKING A YEAR OF FAULTY SYNTAX.

2 comments:

bernie most said...

You're too sensitive Mr. Thistle,
"let sleeping dogs lie!"

Anonymous said...

Mr. Thistle...You are a @$#&*%! HILARIOUS individual...at times you may be sitting at your desk (or wherever it is that you work) furiously wondering if it's all for naught...but keep it up - you definitely have a fan in me.