JOYLESS MAXIMS

Today, instead of complaining about my life and the people who inhabit it, I will share 21 Thistle-isms for making the best of a hopeless and wretched existence.

1. When life gives you lemons, learn to make a sour face.

2. Should opportunity knock, ask for identification.

3. Into each life some rain must fall continually and in buckets.

4. Life is a hemorrhoid without the ointment.

5. What goes around comes around and bites you in the ass.

6. Take pleasure in your triumphs, meaningless and trivial as they may be.

7. To protect yourself against the pain of inevitable disgrace, just say no to self-esteem.

8. Dreams are made to be broken, then trampled on with big boots.

9. I'm not okay, you're not okay.

10. Embrace the fact that you're a mess and nothing can be done about it.

11. Anyone whose glass is half full just doesn't get it.

12. Life is a sham and a hoax pretending that it's not.

13. Always look on the bright side of doom, dogma, and political poppycock.

14. Try not to laugh. It causes wrinkles and you can't afford to look any worse.

15. If you can't get up on the wrong side of the bed, why get up at all.

16. To add some interest to your bleak life, fix people up that you think will destroy each other.

17. Ridicule anyone who tosses coins into a fountain or a wishing well.

18. Be aware that bankers and insurance agents have the scruples of jackals with none of the charm.

19. At least once a day try to dampen someone's enthusiasm.

20. When there's a piano to be moved, quickly reach for the stool.

21. Unless you let them, no one can make you feel bad about being on the bottom rung of society.

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